Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Creating life (an old, unfinished draft)

...an unfinished draft of a post that I found from August 8, 2013.  Over 2 years ago, our 4th anniversary.  I wonder what the rest of it would say...

The decision to attempt at creating another life, another member of our family, didn't come lightly to us.  As a much younger person, I had always envisioned being ready for motherhood by the ripe old age of 25.  It wasn't for another 7+ years that I actually began to feel "ready".  I use that word in quotes, because really, what does it mean?  Since we don't yet have children, I can only imagine what the life of a parent must be like, and even then, I'm pretty sure I have absolutely no idea.  
As I write this, Mass and I are approaching our 4th wedding anniversary.  The last 4 years have gone so incredibly fast, yet when I look back at all we've done in that time- the places we've lived, the education completed, the jobs worked, the furry little roommate we've acquired and love so much- it feels like our wedding day was actually ages ago.  The first two years flew by like lightning.  We were still growing up, still getting to know each other, learning how to speak each other's language and work as a team.  We still had lots of adventures to experience and selfishness to be had.  And thankfully, we were pretty aware of that.  By our third anniversary, I began to wonder if we would ever be ready to give up our "freedom".  But somehow, slowly but surely, things just naturally evolved.  
I would say it probably started for me a bit sooner than Mass, but just like the waves of nausea (a metaphor you moms will understand), those feelings would come and go- strong at times, then fading away for a bit.  I found myself trying to articulate why it was a good idea for us to start considering expanding our family.   

Monday, March 3, 2014

40 Weeks...

It's hard for me to believe the 40-week mark (aka, our due date) has now officially come and gone.  At this point my thoughts & emotions are all over the place, and I'm not sure if I'm totally normal, or if I'm losing my mind.  I go from feeling peaceful and content one day- (sleeping soundly, feeling happy and excited), to being riddled with anxiety the next.  (What if something goes wrong?  Are we actually ever going to meet this little guy?)  

This being our first time experiencing the miracle of pregnancy, childbirth, becoming parents, etc., I just don't know what to expect, and there's a level of trepidation that comes along with the unknown.  Now more than ever, I know I need to practice patience, faith, and trust that our son will be here soon, on his own time, happy & healthy and ready to join our family.

It's amazing how the last several months have flown by in the blink of an eye, and now suddenly each day feels like an eternity.  We're just so looking forward to meeting our new bundle of joy.  Please come soon, little one!

Photo by Erin Rinabarger

Photo by Erin Rinabarger

Thursday, December 19, 2013

29 Weeks...

Where does the time go?!  I'm sure I'll be saying this for the next 18 years for the rest of my life, but it's really amazing how quickly it all flies by.  Now fully in our 3rd trimester, I just want to take this opportunity to quickly document a few things.

- I love feeling our little boy kick. and punch. and roll around, or whatever strange things they do in there.  It's funny how that weird "alien" stuff makes me smile.  And I love that Mass gets to be part of it now too.  Every night he gives our son a little rub down, and he always gets some fun karate chops in return.

- I feel a sense of worry (what's new), that I'll actually feel sad, or have a sense of loss once I'm not pregnant anymore.  It sounds ridiculous when I say it, and even more so when I write it for everyone to see, but it's true.  Obviously I'll be thrilled to meet our little bundle of joy, but I never thought I would really enjoy being pregnant as much as I have.  (I'm fully aware that this could also change in the coming weeks!)

- I feel like I should be listening to more classical music, eating more blueberries, and talking to our baby boy more often.  I realize this is a super random list, but I've been told that the classical music and blueberries help brain development.  I've made a conscious effort to do both, but not as much as I would like.  As for talking to him, I don't know why I haven't done this.  I want him to get used to the sound of my voice, but I honestly feel a little silly talking to my stomach.  Mass has done a much better job of this. :)

- I hope baby boy likes our new house, the stuff we're picking out for him, our parenting style, and being part of our family.  I hope he's healthy, and happy, and gets to spend lots of time with his wonderful grandparents, great grandparents, and his super cool aunt & uncle (and of course his awesome little dog, Mahoney). 

29 Weeks

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

SPOILER ALERT: It's a.....


Despite the fact that neither one of us had a preference for the gender of our baby, it's still wild and exciting (and a little mind-blowing) to actually know what it is.  I'm so glad I have this time to get to know our little guy, and to imagine what it might be like to have a son.  One thing I know for sure, this kid already has family that love him to pieces.  

We received a hilarious email from Peter (baby boy Backus's one and only true uncle), and I just have to share it:

"I am sure you guys have some names you already like but I have some suggestions (my feelings won't be hurt if you don't use any of these):

Robocop II
Russel Wilson
The Badger
Samuel L. Backus
Hot Pants

These are obviously first names.

I am so happy for you guys. This is super exciting and I promise I will be a really good uncle. If you want I can have the following "big" talks with him:

1.  Why we don't take full diapers off by ourselves

2.  Walking: why it's awesome

3.  High fives and fist bumps: when, why and how to avoid

4.  You are 13 now, part I: why all your friends are having bar mitzvahs

5.  You are 13 now, part II: Time management for adolescent levels of masturbating or Why you really need to take a break sometimes

6.  Legos: 5 places on your body NOT to put them 

7.  Theories on your father's shoulder hair

8.  The only two rules you need at 18: Always use a condom and never drive drunk

9.  Be nice to your little brother or sister or both. Honestly, life is way more fun when you get along

10.  On why even though you think your parents are totally lame and embarrassing, they are actually pretty cool

11.  Being from a short family, part I: reaching stuff

12.  Being from a short family, part II: Dating taller girls

13.  Uncle Pete's 8 rules for a happy life

Each talk will obviously be accompanied by a powerpoint presentation and a reading list. "

I have to say, I feel so lucky to have such a great brother-in-law, and this little man is going to be so lucky to have him as an uncle.  Despite the many miles between us, I hope these two get lots of time together.  

A photo at 20 weeks (taken about a week ago), marking the halfway point

Sunday, October 6, 2013

18 weeks...and a few days

Dear Little One,

I think I felt you kick for the first time yesterday.  Up until now I haven't been sure, feeling strange sensations that could be mistaken for gas or other things happening in my digestive system. But yesterday, for the first time, I was sure.

I was sitting out by the pool in beautiful Maui, soaking in some very welcome Vitamin D and reading a book.  It was so peaceful and I felt very content- the only sounds were the palm trees gently swaying in the breeze, and the background noise of Mass and our friends having breakfast in the kitchen. 

I felt a teeny tiny little jab- like a punch or kick generated from the smallest little limb, toward the front of my belly, what seemed like a couple inches below my belly button.  It startled me, then I instantly felt it again, confirming that I wasn't imagining things.  This time, unlike the others, it didn't feel like gas or something moving through my GI tract. I'm pretty sure it was you; our mango-sized bundle of joy, saying hello, putting a smile on my face, making me feel more blessed than ever.

I've been waiting for this moment- another sign that things are going well, progressing as they should be.  A bit of reassurance to calm the occasional worry that creeps up from time to time.  I haven't felt the same thing again since, only the questionable swimmy "is-there-a-goldfish-in-there" feeling, but I'm looking forward to those stronger and more frequent calisthenics from you, our new favorite person that we haven't yet met.  I'm excited for the day that your dad gets to feel your movements too, and we can experience more of this bizarre yet awesome miracle of nature together, as your two biggest fans.

We love you oodles already,
Your overly emotional....Mom.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Should I be doing more?

Where does the time go?  Now that I'm 16 weeks pregnant, I'm finally starting to get the feeling that from this point forward, time will go so fast, and there won't be anything I can do about it, so I'm wondering, what can I do to soak everything in?

I have to admit, the first trimester of pregnancy for me, was not pleasant.  Don't get me wrong, I was incredibly joyful that we've been blessed with this pregnancy, but I literally felt terrible, every day.  I never quite understood the fatigue I heard about, and only imagined what the nausea would be like, but I got hit with both so hard that I quickly began to make plans in my head to have only one child, because I couldn't imagine voluntarily going through that again.

Now that I'm 'out of the woods' in terms of first trimester symptoms, I want to take advantage of this magical time that is said to be the middle third of pregnancy.  But how do I go about doing that?  I'm trying to be conscious and aware of everything- thankful that I'm eating normal foods again (instead of only white-colored things), I'm thankful that I'm finally working out again, because the thought of working out now makes me feel happy, instead of seeming unfathomable.  I'm glad that I no longer need a late morning (and mid-afternoon) nap, and that I'm (a little) less worried and paranoid that this baby could slip away at any moment.

I was at a bookstore today and saw a pregnancy journal, and immediately felt regret that I hadn't made a habit to write down all of my thoughts & feelings throughout my first trimester.  Now it's gone, definitely still strong in my memory, but we all know those details can fade quickly.  Instead I spent my first trimester wishing it would come to an end so I could begin to feel like a person again.  I did sit down to write once, almost 2 months ago now, but it felt so personal that I didn't want to post it.  I suppose the best I can do is start now.  Start documenting more, writing more, and allowing myself to let go of (some of) the worry, so I can soak in the joy and excitement of this life-changing time.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Ode to SF

At this very moment, we're up to our eyeballs in boxes and shrink wrap, but I wanted to share a little photo tribute to this great city we've been proud to call home for the last 21 months.

Aside from some of our favorite people who happen to live here, these are just a few more things to love about the City by the Bay.... 

The Bush Man scaring an innocent family.  It never gets old!

Cones of cured meats

Total randomness

Walks that look like this....

Homes that look like this:

And view...

after view...

after view.

We love you San Francisco! Thanks for being so good to us.  We'll see you again very soon!